Live Wire: Talking With Laurene Landon by Owen Keehnen

Laurene Landon is quite a character – gorgeous (though she refuses to admit it!), funny, multi-talented, unique…she’s got it all. She did a body slam onto the movie scene as Molly in the Robert Aldrich-Peter Falk female wrestling comedy ‘All The Marbles’. She was the butt-kicking warrior princess in pelts as the title character in ‘Hundra’, a great little Conan-esque (The Barbarian not O’Brien) gem from the 80s. To horror fans she is probably most famous as Detective Teresa Mallory in ‘Maniac Cop’ 1 & 2 opposite Bruce Campbell and rage-aholic-behind-a-badge Robert Z’Dar. Her other roles include the delicious Vanilla in Bette Davis’ film swan-song ‘The Wicked Stepmother’, prostitute Sally in that cannibal kids series ‘It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive’ opposite Michael Moriarty and Karen Black, the big hair and lycra opus ‘Roller Boogie’, the wonderfully outrageous black comedy ‘America 3000’, and Larry Cohen’s horror flick ‘The Stuff’. She was Testa in ‘Airplane II: The Sequel’, and Velda in the Mickey Spillane gem ‘I, The Jury’ opposite Armand Assante as Matt Hammer, and more. Her TV credits include guest-starring roles on ‘Charlie’s Angels’, ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’, and ‘The Rockford Files’.  She has two new movies in the works (one as a psychotic yoga instructor – “Breathe deeply and Die!) and (hurrah!) she’s the latest www.racksandrazors.com interviewee!!!


 

Owen: Hi Laurene - in your movies you are often quite physical...you were wonderful as wrestler Molly in 'All The Marbles', skated in 'Roller Boogie, were very physical as the title character in 'Hundra' and 'Yellowhair and the Fortress of Gold', and wield a chainsaw in 'Maniac Cop 2', just to name a few.  Are you sort of an athlete/jock in real life?

LAURENE: ARE YOU JOKIN'?  I GET WINDED TURNING IN MY SLEEP.  MY EXCERCISE ROUTINE CONSISTS OF BREAK DANCING NUDE IN A POOL OF MOTOR OIL, AND PUMPING IRONY.  SERIOUSLY, I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A TOM BOY, SINCE MY DAD NEVER WANTED ME TO DATE.   MAYBE THAT'S WHY I MAJORED IN RAGE MANAGEMENT.

Owen: Was that swordplay stuff tough to learn in 'Hundra'?

LAURENE: LET'S JUST SAY A BUNCH OF STUNT MEN QUIT WHEN THEY REALIZED THIS WAS NOT A MOVIE BUT REAL LIFE FOR ME.  I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPERATIVE FOR BELIEVABILITY.  I HAVE A FEW TROPHIES ON THE WALL FROM THAT MOVIE.  THEY ARE THE HEADS OF FRANCISCO, JOSE, AND MIGUEL.

Owen: So what was your most challenging stunt thus far in your film career?

LAURENE: CONVINCING DIRECTORS TO HIRE ME. SERIOUSLY IT WAS IN HUNDRA WHERE I JUMPED OFF A BUILDING ONTO A HORSE BELOW.  HE FELL FOR IT IN REHEARSAL, BUT WHEN WE SHOT IT, THE DAMN HORSE MOVED OUT OF THE WAY.  I LANDED ON THE CEMENT, SPREAD EAGLED. THAT'S HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY.

Owen: Tell me about your work as Detective Teresa Mallory in 'Maniac Cop' 1 & 2. 

Owen: I WANTED TO PLAY HER MUCH TOUGHER, BUT THE DIRECTOR NOTICED I HAD A FEW MENTAL PROBLEMS TO BEGIN WITH AND WANTED TO USE IT AGAINST MY CHARACTER IN THE MOVIE.  TERESA WAS NAMED AFTER MY BELOVED MOTHER, GOD REST HER SOUL.

Owen: And the word on Bruce Campbell?

LAURENE: HE'S A CORPORATION ALL BY HIMSELF.  HE WRITES BOOKS, MAKES MOVIES AND MAKES ME JEALOUS.  JUST KIDDING.  BRUCE IS BY FAR THE CRAZIEST FOOL I HAVE EVER MET.  WISH I COULD FIND A MAN LIKE HIM. 

Owen: Okay, is Robert Z'Dar as scary in real life as he often is on film? 

LAURENE: OH NO, HE'S SCARIER.  JUST KIDDING.  HE IS A BASTION OF MORALITY, AND A PERFECT GENTLEMAN, ALMOST TOOOOOOOOO PERFECT.  I DON'T TRUST HIM.

Owen: Joe Bob Briggs gave you a drive-in nomination for 'Maniac Cop 2'.  Did you get some sort of little certificate or something or was it just the glory? 

LAURENE: I DIDN'T NEED A TROPHY, CAUSE WHAT JOE BOB SAYS IS GOSPEL, AND I'D RATHER HAVE HIS APPROVAL THAN THAT RIGGED SHOW CALLED "THE ACADAMY AWARDS".  WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE ANYWAY???  IF JOE BOB HOSTED IT, IT WOULD HAVE A LITTLE MORE CREDENCE TO IT.  JOE BOB IS A FOX BY THE WAY.

Owen: 'Maniac Cop' was written and produced by Larry Cohen ('Q The Winged Serpent', 'God Told Me To', 'It's Alive') and you also worked in his projects in 'The Stuff', 'I, the Jury', and 'It's Alive III: Island of the Alive'.  Was there some special connection there?

LAURENE: LARRY WAS IMPRESSED WITH MY WRITING WHEN WE MET.  I SHOWED HIM A SCREENPLAY CALLED "ABERRATION" THAT I SCRIBED IN LESS THAN A WEEK.  IT WAS A TYPICAL KNIFE WIELDING, REVENGE SEEKING PSYCHO-THRILLER.  HE LIKED THAT I WAS A SMART ASS, AND WE BOTH HAD THE SAME WICKED SENSE OF HUMOR.  WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR OVER TWENTY YEARS. LARRY IS THE SMARTEST, KINDEST, FUNNIEST MAN I EVER KNEW, BAR NONE.  I WROTE LYRICS FOR THE MTA REGARDING LIGHT RAIL TRAIN SAFETY, FOR 9 COMMERCIALS, WHICH WERE EXTRAPOLATED AND MADE INTO A 5 MINUTE 3-D MOBILE TRAILER.  MY LYRICS WON THE WORLD GOLD MEDAL AT THE NEW YORK FESTIVALS RECENTLY OUT OF 10,000 APPLICANTS.  THEY WON SOME OTHER AWARDS AS WELL.  I WILL SEND THEM TO YOU.  LARRY WAS BLOWN AWAY WHEN HE READ THEM

Owen: Speaking if 'It's Alive III'.  Tell me about your work as Sally on that movie opposite horror faves Karen Black and Michael Moriarty?

LAURENE: I PLAYED A HOOKER--WHAT A SURPRISE.  IT WAS AN HONOR AND PRIVELEGE TO WORK WITH MICHAEL.  HE IS ONE OF BEST ACTORS ALIVE, THAT IS, IF HE IS STILL ALIVE.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.  HE WAS SO FOCUSED, AND I REALLY RESPECTED HIM FOR THAT.  I GOT ANGRY THAT OUR LOVE SCENE WAS SIMULATED.  I LIKE TO GO FOR REALISM.

Owen: So what was it like as Vanilla on the 'The Wicked Stepmother'?  Was there weirdness on the set since it was Bette Davis' final film and she walked off after only a few days and was replaced mid-movie by Barbara Carrera (hmm!)?

LAURENE: CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, BETTE HAD SOME MAJOR GUM PROBLEMS, AND HER TEETH KEPT FALLING OUT, AND SHE WAS ILL, VERY ILL WHICH SHE DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW ABOUT.  SHE WAS A CHAMPION.  SHE LEFT THE SHOW TO GO TO NEW YORK TO SEE HER DENTIST.  I HAD THE PLEASURE AND HONOR TO COLD READ WITH HER FOR BARBARA'S PART.  SHE SAID I DID A WONDERFUL JOB.  SHE SAID IT TO MY FACE.  I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT.  IT GAVE ME HOPE COMING FROM THE GRAND DAME OF FILM.

Owen: Tell me about your two new film 'Stand Up'.

LAURENE: I PLAY A PSYCHO, YOGA INSTRUCTOR WHO HAS NO TOLERANCE FOR ANYONE.  GILBERT GOTTFRIED IS IN IT AS WELL.  I START ON THE TWENTY NINETH OF THIS MONTH.  WHAT MONTH IS IT ANYHOW?

Owen: And what's the scoop on your other new film 'Silvergun Samurai'? 

LAURENE: CAN'T GO INTO IT MUCH RIGHT NOW, BUT I PLAY A MAFIA PRINCESS.  ACTUALLY, SHE'S THE DON.  HER NAME IS DONNA MIA, AND SHE AIN'T PRETTY.

Owen: You even worked on a 'Charlie's Angels' episode.  Did you get any shit from the regulars for being a beautiful woman on the set?

LAURENE: I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF BEAUTIFUL--NEVER DID, NEVER WILL.  IT'S JUST MAYBELLINE AND DENTAL FLOSS, BUT THANK YOU FOR THE COMPLIMENT.  I THINK BEAUTY EMANATES FROM THE INSIDE. I AM VISCERAL, NOT VISUAL LIKE MOST OF HOLLYWOOD. LOOKS ARE FUGACIOUS OR EPHEMERAL, IF YOU WILL, AND MY DEFINITION OF BEAUTY WOULD BE SOMEONE LIKE THAT GLORIOUS, ENOBLED, CLASSY WOMAN--DAME EDNA

Owen: So what does it for you thrills wise --- vampires, zombies, mummies, werewolves, aliens, creatures, maniacs -- and more importantly, why? 

LAURENE: MANIACS, CAUSE THEY ARE OUT THERE, AND THEY ARE REAL .. I AM FASCINATED BY PSYCHOLOGY, AND MORE SPECIFICALLY, SERIAL KILLERS-- AND THE TWISTED MIND SET THEY POSSESS. 

Owen: What scares you in real life?

LAURENE: MEN.  IF I MEET SOMEONE I'M ATTRACTED TO, I START TWITCHING, SHAKING, AND STUTTER--THEN RUN LIKE HELL.  I WAS BLESSED WITH THIS CURSE AT AN EARLY AGE, AND HAVE NEVER REALLY BEEN ABLE TO OVER COME IT.

Owen: And what makes you scream in real life? 

LAURENE: MY MIRROR