A Mummy tells the
Cryptkeeper a short story about a bunch
of people finding a female mummy who
kills them all so the Cryptkeeper
introduces the story called Bordello
of Blood about a punk
named Caleb (Corey Feldman) who rebels
against his issters religious beliefs and
gets into all sorts of trouble at bars
and other places with his friend.
Suddenly they enter a funeral parlour as
they both go in a coffin which leads to a
basement that is actually a whorehouse
but the whores are vampiresses.
Caleb is missing so his sister gets a
detective named Rafe Guttman (Dennis
Miller) to look for him which leads him
into danger.
This has gotta be
the worst Tales from the Crypt shopw
ever!!!!
It leans to more of a dark comedy but I
reviewed this because it was Crypt
material which is basically horror
material.
The story is very annoying with a
grunting biker and a fruitcake coroner.
The vampiresses aren't the least bit
scary and it almost looks like it clones Buffy
the Vampire Slayer.
The acting is
hokey like I mentioned but it was
interesting to see Corey Feldman getting
the odd acting job even if his role
wasn't too big.
Lots of topless
women at a whorehouse.
There are topless women in dialgoue
scenes too.
Many of them seems to have implants.
There are also some buttshots.
Many gory scenes
which is to be expected in a Tales
from the Crypt movie.
The Cryptkeepers hand is cut off.
Peoples hearts are being ripped out and
eaten by vampiressses.
A bikers head is graphically ripped off
by a vampiress.
Vampiresses melt and explode being
sprayed by holy water.
Also a hole is burned through a body of a
vampire.
A vampiresses chest is scarred.
Gilbert Adler
does a bit of a better effort than with
the story in general with his scenery on
the actresses playing the vampiresses but
it's nothing to brag about.
Chris Boardman was
the main composer for the film along with
the guy who composed the theme for the
HBO series Danny Elfman as he is
marvellous of course.
We also
get a soundtrack by groups like Anthrax,
Free, Zen Cowboys, Thin
Lizzy, Herd (with Peter
Frampton), Humble Pie and a
well remembered track by the Sweet
titled "Ballroom Blitz"
Katherine: A whorehouse?
Rafe: A house inhabited by whores.
Lilith: Two! Four! Six!
Eight! You can watch me masturbate.
Vincent Prather: You're a
smart boy, Miguel. Because of that I'm
gonna let you have some of what we find.
Miguel: Ah! Remember that you said that.
Vincent Prather: I will. I'm gonna let it
have some of you, too.
Caleb Verdoux: Oh my God,
it's a necrophiliac's wet dream!
Lillith: Don't eat your
heart out, baby -- that's MY job.
Rafe Guttman: You're
reminding me why being married to you
drove me to the brink of homosexuality.
[Zeke's shot knocks a beer
onto a girl.]
Rafe Guttman: Six pack in the side
cleavage!
Zeke: Step outside!
Rafe Guttman: Sorry, Zeke -- I'm just not
in the mood for a blowjob.
[Rafe is trying to gain
access to the whorehouse, which is
disguised as a funeral home.]
Rafe Guttman: I'm here for the, um,
Cunningham wake.
McCutheon: I'm afraid the wake is closed
tonight. Come back tomorrow.
Rafe Guttman: I, uh, really must pay my
respects right now.
McCutheon: Then I suggest you come back
TOMORROW.
Rafe Guttman: Maybe you don't understand
me. I'm feeling excruciatingly SAD.
McCutheon: I'm so sorry.
Rafe Guttman: And if I don't grieve right
now -- maybe even grieve two or three
times -- I'm going to go out of my mind,
okay?
McCutheon: Then I suggest you go mourn
somewhere in private -- with a box of
tissues!
Rafe Guttman: I'm not going
to tell you those aren't the Breasts of
the Century, but I'm just not digging the
owner, so why don't you put those away;
you're just not my type.
Rafe Guttman: Ah, the
girls! Let them eat a guy named
"Cake."
Tamara: Guess where you
just landed, lover?
Rafe Guttman: Larry Flynt's id?
[After ripping Jenkin's
head off.]
Lillith: I just love a man who gives you
head -- and lets you keep it!
Rafe Guttman: I feel like
I'm in a bad episode of Tales From The
Crypt!
[talking to a she-vampire]
Rafe Guttman: I'd rather Crazy Glue my
dick to the bullet train than fuck you.
[seeing a televangelist's glitzy chapel]
Rafe Guttman: Nice place,
Katherine. Kind of like Superman's dad's
place on Krypton.
[On the phone with his
ex-wife]
Rafe Guttman: I gotta go. Fuck you.
[hangs up]
Rafe Guttman: Sorry
Katherine, but that wasn't your brother
anymore.
Caleb: Wrong! I'll always be your
brother, sis.
Rafe Guttman: Katherine, run from your
brother.
Miguel: [to Vincent] You
drive us all the way to the end of the
earth... for a fuckin' stiff?!
[Katherine attempts to
swing on a chain from one platform to
another.]
Rafe: That is the craziest fuckin' thing
I've...
[Rafe attempts to leave, but sees the
Vampire Caleb following close, and
returns to Katherine]
Rafe: That is the second craziest fuckin'
thing I've...
[A vampire bursts into
flames after being squirted with Holy
water]
Rafe Guttman: Cha-Ching! .
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