Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood! (2003)

   

Written & Directed by: Tim Swartz

Starring:


Lolita Langsuir .... Carmilla
Stephanie Bloode .... Lilith
Theda Baire .... The Lover
Circe .... Muffy the Vampire Slayer
Daywalker .... Henchman

Release Date: Direct-to-DVD: September 15, 2003

Rating:

 

A lesbian named Lilith (Stephanie Blonde) is not getting it on too much with her lover and then meets up with a horny head vampiress Carmilla (Lolita Langsuir) who tempts her to be with her for eternity and finally goes to her mansion and keeps her there after she bites her on the neck and shows the pleasures of girl-on-girl love to sweet young Lilith with depraved vampires of Carmilla's coven.
The next day there are flyers on her missing which triggers a vampiress slayer named Muffy (Circe) to track her down and kill every lesbian vampiress on the street till she connects with Carmilla to do them all in with holy water and other objects. To top it all off,
horror host, Mr. Creeps, brings back the spirit of Ed Wood to solve the problems of these demented Goth scream queens.

 

Oh my god I nearly shut this one off as it looked like a soft core porn dud with just an excuse on using vampiress' calling it a horror flick and the rest showing lesbian sex scene's throughout the story and doing stuff in perverted ways. There's an overly long sex scene with two women touching and feeling one another with the camera showing their various bodies and I was thinking to myself am I watching a porn flick or a horror flick?
Well most of it is but it saves for me reviewing it by having a slayer planning to do them in. Not the least bit scary and extremely pointless.
There's many other women dressing and undressing with shots of their bodies in which the filmmakers should be working in the porn industry instead of the horror film industry.
There is an interesting moment with a vampire slayer getting tough and stabbing a vampire hooker with her screaming although it looked very trashy but it caught my attention.
We have an interesting party ceremony with a host and close up shots on the partygoers showing their expressions and the odd vampire fangs too.
There's some shots on a dateless vampire playing peekaboo on someone in a park with some okay shots on it but after she strangles him his reactions are very lacking. Then we have some good red spotlight shots on the two of them with her clawing him. There's a shot on him rising from the ground which looked very phony as he was really buried in leaves and he was supposedly rising from the ground.
There's some close up shots on the partygoers and vampires biting one another but this is as best horror as it gets since most other scene's were just sex scene's which is sad. We do have a neat sex scene that involved the lead character Carmilla making out with a henchman and close up shots exposing his vampire fangs.
Bottom line is that this film is only worth watching for the guys who likes getting errected and not in the mood for some hard core pornography as the plot is pretty much as weak as watching an X rated film. Avoid this at all costs.

The acting is terrible and obviously friends of the filmmaker that never took a single acting lesson at all. The lead vampiress played by Lolita Langsuir (Carmilla) was way too much not knowing how to do a character with her rantings and you can tell she was really trying. Still she looked like a born amateur. There's a moment when she tries to come on strong towards another person and her performance here looks extremely awful on how her approach is and unconvincing too.
Circe
(Muffy the Vampire Slayer) however seemed interesting with her aggressions as a vampire slayer but yet she'd be better at a goofy comedy with the way she performed.
Daywalker
(Henchman) had the nice dark looks as a henchman and at times showed some intersting dark actions but again he was another born amateur.
The rest wasn't worth reviewing and are totally forgettable.

We have gratitious nudity which many different moments on lesbians showing their boobs having sex as well as some shower scene's plus a shot on a naked woman from vagina rolling up to her breasts too.

Some badly looking blood bites here and there with blood pouring down a naked body the odd time
There's some claw marks on a guys chest.